Rollercoaster of a week!

What a week it’s been, a definite rollercoaster.

A week ago today I went to see my breast surgeon for a final pre-op appointment before the big day. While I had a feeling I would be getting some big news, I didn’t expect to hear the news I did get – my surgeon was changing my surgery on the 16th from a double mastectomy to a single mastectomy.

Let me explain. Dr. Neimark got my MRI test results and I got some GREAT news – my left breast was 100% cleared for any cancer and the MRI on my right breast confirmed that my tumor has shrunk by at least 50%!

This means that my whole philosophy about why I chose to have chemotherapy first before surgery was right – I now have concrete proof that the chemo worked. So what if I’ll never know what stage I was? Who cares?

Dr. Neimark explained that since there was no cancerous cells in my left breast that really, there was no need to have a double mastectomy at this time for the following reasons:
1. I still can keep my port in and have my herceptin given to me through the port for at least 6 more months (I still have to get Herceptin every 3 weeks for a year, which will end in October).
2. My radiation oncologist advised me that with the expander in my left breast, there was a chance that my left breast would also get radiated a little bit because it would “get in the way” of the radiation beam. Remember, an expander can’t be pushed down/shmushed like a real breast can. :-)
3. From what I’m told, expanders hurt. A lot. There’s no need for me to have to go through this for 6 months in my left breast when Dr. Neimark can perform the prophylactic mastectomy on my left breast at the same time as my reconstructive surgery at a later date.
4. Shorter recovery time for the first surgery next week.

I needed some time to let all of this sink in as I don’t handle change very well, especially at the last minute. Now that I have had time to think clearly, of course, she’s right. So…I’ll be having a single mastectomy on Thursday and I’ll just have to deal with 2 different sized breasts for a few months. After the weight gain and the loss of my hair, I guess I can deal with this additional blow to how I feel about my looks.

I’ve been trying to build myself up all week and emotionally preparing for all of the pictures I know I’ll be taking for my birthday party this weekend. I know I may sound vain but this blog is about my sharing my true, raw emotions and let me tell you, it’s taken a lot of discipline and positive self-encouragement to not have a breakdown knowing how fat, bald, and ugly I feel. I splurged and bought a really nice dress that I feel pretty in and now just have to figure out the hair, or lack thereof, situation for tomorrow night.

I am so lucky that I have had everyone acknowledge my birthday this year, whether through the very generous gifts, flowers, emails, cards, Facebook messages, phone calls or texts. I have been trying to thank each and every one of you but if I haven’t, please know that I am so grateful. I also have seen others show their true colors, or lack thereof, by being too busy to bother to contact me or my family to see how I’m doing and to all of you – I am deeply disappointed. You know who you are. Yes, you should feel guilty. Yes, I’m a little angry at some of you. Perhaps hurt is the correct emotion, but when someone close to me hurts me, it turns to anger. Fortunately, I have been so overwhelmed with love and support from the rest of you, that I am truly one lucky young lady. I truly don’t know how other women go through this battle alone.

I will be spending Wednesday morning/early afternoon reflecting at the Morikami Gardens (http://www.morikami.org/) and relaxing my mind before heading to get radioactive dye injected into my breast that afternoon in preparation for the sentinel node biopsy which will be done at the same time as my surgery. I’m nervous just thinking about it, but I am a big believer that I need to (try to) be as calm as possible before my surgery as I believe my attitude directly impacts my results.

Jason, Laura and my mom will be the contacts for after my surgery, at least until I am coherent enough to check emails and my phone without being drugged out. If you are already signed up on the Lotsa Helping Hands website, Jason will most likely send out an email blast through there.

I want to end this blog recapping my week on a positive note. I got to spend my birthday with my friends, family and with Jason and I have a big birthday party coming up tomorrow night to look forward to!

WISH ME LUCK AND PLEASE SEND SOME POSITIVE ENERGY MY WAY NEXT WEEK!