Sixth Sense

This morning I was running late to work. One of the last things I do in my routine is decide what jewelry to wear. I opted for a simple diamond solitaire necklace which I usually pair with diamond stud earrings, but something, some force pulled me towards the earrings that had been made for me by someone special when I was going through radiation.

I am prefacing what I’m about to say next as perhaps harsh but when you are battling through a life-threatening disease, you make choices that sometimes not everyone agrees with. My choice was not to make any friends at any of my cancer treatments. I just didn’t want to meet anyone special and then find out later they died. Harsh, maybe, but it was what I held onto to protect me emotionally, keep me strong, and it was something very small but a very meaningful choice because it was one of the few decisions I could control.

I managed not to make a single friend during my fertility treatments, not a single friend during all my chemo sessions (6 in total), not a single friend during my Herceptin treatments (every 3 weeks like clockwork for a whole year), and not a single friend during any of my surgeries or follow up appointments with the oncologist, radiologist, oncological surgeon, reconstruction surgeon, etc. I almost kept my promise to myself until radiation started and I met Lana and all of her sisters who rotated driving her to radiation every morning.

Somehow, through some miracle, Lana and I managed to get the 1st and 2nd radiation appointments of the day. These are very coveted and very hard to come by. Needless to say, since I got radiation every weekday for 6 weeks, we saw a lot of each other. We swapped stories about our families, she got to hear about my blossoming plans for my upcoming wedding, she met Jason and my mom (and maybe Abba?), and I met her sisters. Debra was the baby of the clan and the most creative and spiritual. She even made me earrings and I still wear them often and every time I did, I often wondered how Lana was doing.

I caved and had made friends. When radiation ended, I was truly sad to leave them and wished and hoped the best for Lana and her speedy recovery. Lana was receiving radiation for a brain tumor, and if memory serves me correctly, she was a breast cancer survivor too. She wasn’t allowed to drive but through radiation and treatment, she was a super trooper like me and kept working.

We lost touch, probably more so on my end. I meant to call her and show her pictures from the wedding parties she had heard all about. Fortunately, Debra and I had friended each other on Facebook, so I knew Debra (and Lana) were just a “like” or a “comment” or a “message” away.

As I was about to leave work today, I checked Facebook and there it was, Debra’s update:

No words can say how I feel. Anyone that knows me, I lost my best friend and sister Lana Joy this morning. I will be unavailable for awhile. Send prayers for the family. Thank you. I took this picture at dusk last night. My shining light.

I caved and had made a friend. And my friend died today. I know, in the scheme of things, who am I to mourn the loss of someone I only barely got to know when she left behind wonderful sisters, a son and a beloved Husband, amongst many others who cared about her.

I have been feeling very intuitive lately and have gotten very strong feelings about people and sensed some very interesting things, and have been right about them. I am very cautious about sharing these “6th sense” feelings I sometimes get, but I am comfortable sharing one today. Lana, there was a reason I felt a pull for the black earrings this morning versus the studs. Perhaps it was me saying good-bye before you passed. Perhaps it was just me feeling your spirit out there, whether you were still here or already left this earth, but nonetheless, I mourn your smile, your amazing attitude. You were an inspiration, and you gave me something to look forward to every morning at the hospital instead of the dreaded radiation. You were my one friend and now you’re gone.