Hair today, gone tomorrow

Day 15 is when I noticed it. The shedding on my pillow and the shedding in the shower. 2 weeks and a day after I first started chemo.
But let me back up.

I decided I was going to take control of my hair loss and so on Friday, October 14th, my mom hosted a "hair shaving party" for me and for my girlfriends. As you know, I'm not the girliest of girls but to have my girlfriends and mom surround me with unconditional love was such an amazing experience and made a very traumatic experience so much easier to handle. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world to see how many of my friends changed their plans, shifted family obligations and generally made themselves available for me on short notice. Mom and Laura - thank you for organizing this event for me. Sara K. - thank you so much for documenting this painful, raw part of my journey. Robyn - thank you for being my guide. Lisa - no words can express my gratitude for your having the hardest job of all, to cut and then shave a very dear friend's hair. Through it all, you were my rock and you kept me from breaking down. Seeing how strong you were to keep it together was amazing.

In true form, Beverlicious (aka Tenacious B) summed up the night perfectly. With her permission, I am cutting and pasting her thoughts below but first, her synopsis of the different haircuts Lisa gave me en route to the final GI Jane one:

The Joey" - Dawson's Creek, cir. 1998 - without the teen angst or delusions about first-time sex:
http://members.tripod.com/~dawsonscreek_pics/joey_02.jpg

"The Kate" - Heroin Chic, cir. 1993 - sans substance abuse issues or allegations of anorexia:
http://spikessequins.files.wordpress.com/2010/05/katemossshortblackhairstyle.jpg

"The Gwenyth" - Sliding Doors, cir. 1998 - sans hot Scottish boyfriend (you already have a hot Jewish one - hello, that would be greedy) and alternate reality involving parallel universes:
http://img2.timeinc.net/ew/img/review/980501/mov2_rev.jpg

"The Ro-hawk" - watch out, Gwen Stefani. (Lisa gave me a Ro-version of a mohawk to lighten the situation right before she went on to the final version)

"The Natalie" - "V" for Vendetta, cir. 2005 - smart, beautiful, funny, Israeli, shitkicker, temptress extraordinaire (Natalie rates ok in my book, too):
http://www.smashinglists.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/Natalie-Portman-Bald.jpg

I also wanted to share a few thoughts with you.
During the drive back home, I thought about the gathering and about why I was so moved. There was this one point, right after Lisa had shaved off your remaining tufts of hair, when a somewhat hesitant expression came over your face. Up until then, you had seemed to be doing a good job focusing on the "fun and fashion" aspect of the night, sharing in the makeup and wardrobe banter with the girls, gamely being a good sport. That change in expression was almost impalpable, a physical manifestation of your vulnerabilities coming to the surface. One might have easily missed it.

And let me tell you, it was beautiful. I've had nights out with you before where you've gotten all gussied up - but last night, with no makeup, port surgery scars, bandage rash, and heat flushed cheeks - you were absolutely, jaw-droppingly stunning. In your mind's eye, you were anxious about the loss of your hair. Perhaps the bared neck and shaved head felt unfamiliar, masculine. But we saw what you didn't - YOU. You, with all your insecurities, vulnerabilities, fears, and self-doubt. And in spite of the tumult raging within you, you faced down the twin threats of losing your femininity and mortality, and you did so with the courage and panache of a warrior. We all saw that that inner-steel kick in, that will to not just live, but Live, Love, Laugh - as you would say. That grace and resolve in the face of a challenge is what makes you truly beautiful. A year from now, when this is all over and you have your old hair back, I'm going to look at you and count myself as one of the lucky ones that got to see a glimpse of the real you. Truly, thank you for sharing that special part of you with us.


I want to thank all of you who came out to support me. I was honored to have all of you there and I can only hope that this is the first and last time we ever share in a head shaving party. Once I get my pictures, I will most likely share a few on the blog. Stay tuned!

Speaking of pictures, my dear friend Scott graciously agreed to take some pictures of me so I can remember who I was and what I looked like before I lost the 2 things I defined my feminity by - my hair and my breasts. Most of the pictures are not for the eyes of my loyal readers (ahem) but I did crop 2 of my favorites. I am also giving him a plug on my blog because he does amazing work! xoxo Scott!!
http://www.scottbarfield.com

So to end this blog on a reality check, yes, the hair loss has finally started. I broke in the wig last weekend when Jason and I went to Orlando. It's not comfortable and does take a lot of adjusting, but it was a smart idea because when I wore it to work that following Monday (earlier this week), it wasn't such a shock and I was a lot more comfortable with it. I'm so lucky I was able to get such a beautiful wig as it makes my "transition" that much easier.

Finally, while my new GI Jane look does make things a bit easier when you wake up every morning and do a hair check, the bottom line is that there's nothing easy about this part of the journey, plain and simple.

So I end this blog with a final farewell to my hair.