"Normal"

Lately, it’s been harder and harder for me to write blog updates because there’s either waaaay too much info to update (I know, I know, means I need to update the blog more often!) or I’m conflicted emotionally with those updates. Today is a little bit of both.

Well, the good news is that I was cleared for surgery in July rather than August from both my radiation oncologist and my reconstructive surgeon. I was so excited to hear such news since everyone had initially told me there was no way I would have the surgery before the end of August because the doctors counted on my needing at least 3 months for my skin to heal from radiation. Those of you who know me well know that when I want something really badly, I will do anything to get it and I seriously think I willed my skin to heal super fast…and it did! If you were to look at the skin that was radiated, you would never know it underwent 28 sessions of radiation. The power of the mind and body is truly so amazing.

I had to wait until Dr. Neimark (my oncological surgeon who is performing my prophylactic mastectomy) to return from vacation this week to find out when I was going to have my surgery. I was devastated when her nurse called me back and said it most likely wouldn’t be before August. Why?? The Memorial healthcare system is conveniently changing their computer systems now and so a lot of the healthcare providers will need several days in July and onward to learn this new technology. I was then told that Dr Neimark is seeing 14 new patients this week and that I couldn’t get a date until after she saw what she was dealing with schedule wise. “Don’t I get precedence over the new patients?” “The patients who actually still have cancer get precedence over your surgery.” And, just like that, the conversation was basically over. I mean, what do you say to THAT answer? Sigh.

The worst of it all was that I was told I needed another ultrasound and mammogram before Dr. Neimark would even see me on my left breast because “it’s been almost a year since the last one.” Gulp. That means it’s been almost a year since my initial diagnosis (8/18/11). I don’t want to think about what will happen tomorrow when I go get my ultrasound and mammo but I do feel better knowing I made the right decision to have a double mastectomy. I feel sick to my stomach with anxiety and I don’t want to keep feeling like that for the rest of my life. Take them both if that’s what helps me breathe better.

Speaking of feeling “sick,” my period has finally returned after being on hiatus since November. It’s ironic that I constantly compared going through chemo like being pregnant to my friends (the nausea, the constant random cravings, the fatigue, the swelling, the weight gain, etc.) and that my period decided to come back in the 9th month. As Jason said this morning when I told him, “it’s just another sign that your body is returning to normal.” I’ve been having mixed feelings about the return of my monthly friend but I guess Jason is right, albeit with my defining “normal” a whole new way. I’m a cancer survivor and have been through hell and back these past few months so “normal” as I knew it before August 2011 is a hell of a lot different than “normal” as I know it today. I definitely feel like a survivor of war in that my life will never be the same and I will deal with the consequences of this year, emotionally, for the rest of my life. I don’t really talk about it much with anyone but the word “normal” will always be in quotes forevermore. There is no normal “normal” for me anymore.

I’ll end the blog on a positive note with a picture of Jason and me from last night’s festivities. Check out how much my hair is grown! I hope to have a cute pixie cut for my wedding. Grow, hair, grow!